The Spirit or the flesh

I'm going to go ahead and write here today.  Even though I've been up in the air. But what I want to talk about - and what I'm learning - applies mostly to what I've learned through twelve step work.  So, yeah, I'm here.

I am learning to detach with love.  This is not an easy concept for me. I usually want to amputate.  For protection.

There are a couple of people in my life, who, try as I might to avoid it, just seem to be able to get under my skin. By their words or lack of words, their facial expressions, just the air around them.  Apparently, I'm so enmeshed with these people that I pick up on their vibes in a heart beat.  And if those vibes aren't good, I can have a crappy day because of it. Can we say, codependent?

Essentially, I'm confessing here that this is a problem. I admit I don't possess the answers quite yet on how not to do it, how not to pick up the cards. I just realize that I shouldn't be doing it. I want to rise above.

This morning, I was reading Romans 8.  It begins with,"Consequently, there is now no condemnation for those  who are in Christ Jesus."  It occurred to me that often my reactions to certain people, are caused by a feeling of condemnation.  If they're being cold or dismissive, my self-esteem sinks like the Titanic.

 But who are they to make me feel this way? In Christ, I have been set free.  I am not condemned. Whether these people are upset with me or not.  Really, what they're doing is attempting to manipulate through their behavior. Invoke guilt.  Guilt that is not mine.  Romans 8 goes on to say that, "For those who are living according to the flesh are intent on the things of the flesh, but those who are living according to the spirit are intent on the things of the spirit. For the mindset of the flesh is death, but the mindset of the spirit is life and peace." (v.5-6 LEB) I have always read this as a passage on sin and worldliness.  However, this morning, I interpreted another meaning.  I am not experiencing the life and peace of the Spirit because my mindset is intent on another human being. Or even on my self.  "But you are not in the flesh but in the Spirit, if indeed the Spirit of God lives in you."(v. 9a)..."So then... we are obligated not to the flesh."(v. 12)  And finally, toward the end of Romans 8, it concludes with, "Who will bring charges against God's elect.  God is the one who justifies." (v.33)

I didn't mean to put together a Bible study there, but I found a lot of freedom in this particular chapter today.  If I am feeling condemned, or slighted, and my side of the street is clean, then what am I focusing on? The Spirit or the flesh? Who am I making my Higher Power? Who am I allowing to validate me?

"In human occasions one's idea for oneself seems very pitiful; it is up and then down again, retrogression, self-betrayal and then hope and self-discipline, attack, retreat, sloughs, backwaters, opposing tides and gigantic fears, cruel realities.


 No creative man in any endeavor escapes this sense of confusion and striving on the plane of material effort...But when he turns inward and leaves all this restfully to the serenity of deathless order he finds release and that the inner wisdom will rebuild his world out of chaos....accept no negative whatever, particularly in the darkest moment, for you have been told that you are temples, of the Holy Spirit which abideth in you and never leaves you nor forsakes you. That trust in the dark brings light, not resignation which is often a negative, for man needs to believe that 'when the enemy comes in like a flood the spirit of the Lord will lift up a a standard against him.' But believe it!  In times of anxiety turn like a child to the simple instructions, knowing that 'the Father within doeth the work' and that you can do nothing but rest in that assurance.  Be high-careless, strong in faith, a spendthrift in love, keep a valiant heart, put on your crown and be a knight indeed!


Love conquereth all things." 

- From Letters of the Scattered Brotherhood

Anonymity questions

I've been wanting to share a self-realization.  In regards, to my...hmmm..personality, I suppose. And wanting to share it here, because it's something I realized through my recovery.  But.....I'm not sure if this blog is meant to continue.  Recently, I've heard some conflicting thoughts on the tradition of anonymity.  And there is some debate over whether a blog such as mine might be breaking tradition.  Which I would never want to do.

 I so feel it's only my own anonymity that I'm breaking.  I also believe that having a personal blog requires me to share who I am.   And part of who I am is an alcoholic.  Much of who I am has been shaped by the program.  Part of who I am is a person who believes that the steps can benefit everyone - not just alcoholics.  Which is why I started this blog.  Not to promote twelve step programs but to share my own strength, experience and hope with others.  To share what has helped me.

But at the same time, since the program is so special to me and dear to my heart, I have to take the objections seriously.  Which means, I will pray about whether I should continue this blog.  Which means you may or may not hear about my latest self-realization.  At least here.

Our nature

My mind's a bit all over the place this morning.  Reading Heather's post this morning, got me thinking...

Alcoholism: is it a sickness or a sin?  Is it a disease?

Apparently people have opinions on these questions.  Strong opinions. And I get it.  I do.

Personally, I believe it to be a disease....when I contemplate how I've suffered from it.  Yet, this is not so easy when I see alcoholism manifested in others.  At that point, I find my sin nature wanting to debate the term disease.  Why can't they just stop - never mind that I couldn't. Yes.  Quite hypocritical.  I think the point is that we want to go easy on ourselves and hard on others.

Seems we all suffer from the sickness of pointing fingers. Isn't it our nature to judge, to condemn, to make calls on other's behavior rather than looking at our own?  'Smoking is a sin', we might say as we gorge ourselves on cheeseburgers.  Or the tightwad might look down on someone with a spending problem.  I think what we all have in common is the propensity to place anything other than God above God.  To worship material things, to try and alleviate our problems with substances or sex or shopping.  To not rely on God. That is a sickness.  Called sin.  Which we were all born with.

The Big Book says that resentment "destroys more alcoholics than anything else.  From it stem all forms of spiritual disease, for we have been not only mentally and physically ill, we have been spiritually sick." Isn't that the truth? My sponsor calls it dis-ease.  Whether our dis ease with life leads us to drink or to another form of addiction, I believe that we all grope for something to fill that God shaped hole.  The alcoholic just tends to stick with alcohol because it works...until it doesn't.

Dictionary.com defines the term disease as:

1. a disordered or incorrectly functioning organ, part, structure,or system of the body resulting from the effect of genetic ordevelopmental errors, infection, poisons, nutritionaldeficiency or imbalance, toxicity, or unfavorableenvironmental factors; illness; sickness; ailment.

3.

any harmful, depraved, or morbid condition, as of the mind orsociety: His fascination with executions is a disease.

4.

decomposition of a material under special circumstances: tindisease.

Well, certainly the brain functions incorrectly in the alcoholic, whether that stems from a genetic predisposition, the phenomenon of craving, or an allergy to alcohol.  I would say, too, that for the alcoholic, the consumption of alcohol causes a depraved if not morbid condition and certainly decomposition if we continue to drink.  So, for me, it's safe to say, it's a disease.  But in many ways, the whole argument could be discarded based on semantics.  

Does terminology matter if the found solution works? 

And what (or Who) is the solution?  

"Although all men have a common destiny, each individual also has to work out his personal salvation for himself...We can help one another find out the meaning of life...But in the last analysis, each is responsible for 'finding himself'. - Thomas Merton

Any lengths

I just recently started answering calls for the AA central office once a week.  Interesting stuff, I tell you.

 This morning I received a call from a seventy-one year old man who wanted to get sober....but he wanted to go somewhere 'clean'.  Meaning, to a facility with high sanitary standards.  He had apparently had a bad experience at a detox center recently, hygiene wise and is now back to drinking while trying to find a more acceptable place to.

"I have a clean fetish," he explained as I referred him to an agency which might know more than I do regarding the conditions of individual detoxes in town.  He took the number I gave him but relayed that he had called an agency once before only to be taken away from his hotel room by ambulance, leaving his car containing all his belongings which almost got towed.  Finally, I took down his number and told him I'd have someone with more knowledge call him back.

I know what I wanted to say to him.  I just didn't know if a man of that age cared what a girl of my age had to say.  Especially since it would have fallen under the category of 'hard sayings'.  I would have told him that he needed to quit being so persnickety and get to a hospital.  He could either live in what he referred to as the filth of the institution for thirty or so days and remain truly clean for the remainder of his life or he could keep making excuses and continue living in his own stink, so to speak, of alcoholism.

I found out later, he was asked if he was willing to go to any lengths.  If he was sick and tired of being sick and tired.  And he accepted those questions well.

That's what we alcoholics usually need.  To be reminded that we're not doing so great on our own.  Do we want help or not?

And I got to thinking about how we all make so many excuses for ourselves on any number of things.  We hold onto our character defects, our bad habits, our minor or secret addictions, waiting for just the right rosy circumstance to come along and save us. But we usually end up blocking ourselves from both help and the path that God wants us to take.  And for how long? How long do we waste, complaining that outside conditions aren't to our liking, while inside we rot from our own uncleanliness?

Yeah, these are hard sayings.  Hard questions.  But at a certain point, we have to be willing to ask ourselves if we're sick and tired of being sick and tired.  If we're finally ready to go to any lengths.

Third Step Prayer

The THIRD STEP Prayer
(As adjusted from the book Alcoholics Anonymous, page 63, line 14)




God, I offer myself to You -
to build with me
and to do with me as You will.

Relieve me of the bondage of self,
that I may better do Your will.

Take away my difficulties,
that victory over them
may bear witness to those I would help
of Your Power,
Your Love,
and Your Way of life.

May I do Your will always.


Amen.

Thy Will Be Done

Often I don't know what I want.  Sometimes I think I do and then realize I don't.  I'm faced with indecision frequently.  Thankfully, I know to pray that His will be done.

My sponsor has 'suggested' that I read the prayer on pages 86-87 of the big book.  I'll admit, that at first I did so with not much enthusiasm.  Today, however, when my morning just doesn't feel quite right and I realize that I've failed to read that prayer, I feel like I've stumbled upon the key.

This morning was one such morning.  I read all my devotions and my Bible verses and still did not feel calm.  I'm realizing that when God gave me the word, 'quiet' for the year, He was speaking of my mind.  I have an unquiet mind.

The pages in the big book, help quiet me down inside.  The words are not actually prayer words but rather instruction on how rightly to pray.  If paraphrased into a prayer, they might look something like this:





"Good morning, God.  Rather than making plans for the day, I am humbly asking that You would direct my thinking, separating it from all self-pity, dishonesty and self-seeking motives. Today when I face indecision, remind me to ask You for inspiration, an intuitive thought or a decision.  Then I can relax and take it easy.  Please show me throughout the day what each next step ought to be and please provide whatever I might need to take care of any problems which arise. Remind me to pause when agitated or doubtful and ask for the right thought or action.  I know that I am no longer running the show. Let my heart and mind meditate on what  Your son reminds us to pray: "Thy will be done".  Amen. 






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I Play a Part

Last night I have an issue with someone close to me.  Because I've been holding onto resentment.  Not speaking up about what bothers me.  And when I least expect it to, it erupts in sarcasm and bitterness.

I said what I meant, but I said it mean.

This morning, I read:

"When I say to myself that I am going to turn all my problems over to God, this does not give me leave to shirk my responsibilities. I have been given certain tools with which to run my life, and the free will to use them.  They include judgment, intelligence, good will and the power to reason...." p.34 One Day At A Time In Al-Anon.


I had been turning the problem over to God.  What I failed to do was responsibly deal with the problem employing the tools given me.  I could have spoken sooner.  I should have told the person how I was feeling.  Instead, I prayed, hoping either the person would come to some revelation on their own or that my feelings would magically disappear.  Obviously, neither happened.  I hate confrontation.  I really do.  But I hold stuff in so long, that inevitably it comes out in a very confrontational way.

The book continues:  "When I am desperate enough to ask for help,I will not expect it to come in the form of easy solutions.  I play a part in solving my problems, but my Higher Power will provide the guidance and the strength to take the right action."

I ignored the nudge from my Higher Power, prompting me to speak up because I was too afraid.  And now I've made things worse.  My 'ism' causes me to want to run away from my problems.  My recovery gives me the ability to deal with my problems correctly.

"I pray for the wisdom to understand my difficulties clearly and honestly, and for the strength to do something constructive about them.  I know I can count on God's help in this."