Step Two

Working on step two....again:

Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.

Gratefully, when I came in, I did believe in a Power.  I just wasn't so sure about the restoration to sanity. But doesn't that mean that my Power wasn't very powerful? Most of us are asked to write a two-sided list.  What my God is and is not.  So here is what I have so far (you get to see it before even my sponsor):

What God is:

Just

Long-suffering,

Loving,

Patient,

Kind,

Merciful,

Loyal

Holy

Present

Caring

A good listener

Faithful

What God Isn’t:

Petty

Mean

Impatient

Harsh

Critical

Condemning

Uncaring

Neglectful

So many find it difficult to believe in a power greater than themselves but why? Isn't that which made their life unmanageable greater than themselves?  Overspending, overeating, undereating, self-pity, codependency, __________(fill in the blank).  If any of us feel that there is an aspect of our life that controls us, perhaps that is our current God. 

 My own personal list of powers greater than myself:

Physical: 

Multiple sclerosis,

Any given disease

The church as a whole,

Other’s personalities,

Alcohol

Nature,

Mental:

Other’s thoughts and actions

Obsessions

Pride

Lust

Greed

Spiritual:

GOD

Which of the above can keep me from drinking, delving into pride, filling myself with needless material items, the desire to restrict my eating, etc.?

"The spiritual starter kit. All of this theology stuff can seem downright confusing. It can even appear to be a barrier in the path of sobriety. We A.A.s are fortunate in having a spiritual starter kit, so to speak, in chapter 4 of the Big Book. It is suggested as a sure fire method of coming to know a spiritual power. Here it is (we have supplied the bold style to selected characters):

Step 2.1. We found that as soon as we were able to lay aside prejudice and...[Big Book page 46, line 15]

Step 2.2. ...express even a willingness to believe in a Power greater than ourselves, we commenced to get results, even though it was impossible for any of us to fully define or comprehend that Power, which is God. [Big Book page 46, line 16]

Step 2.3. Do not let any prejudice you may have against spiritual terms deter you from honestly asking yourself what they mean to you...we had to begin somewhere, so we used our own conception, however limited it was. [Big Book page 47, line 4]

Step 2.4. ...As soon as a man can say that he does believe or is willing to believe, we emphatically assure him that he is on his way. [Big Book page 47, line 16]

In short form the kit might read: a) Set aside all prejudice (both belief and disbelief about God and religions), b) Become willing to believe, c) Study all spiritual concepts, and formulate an initial—even conditional or tentative—conception of God, and d) Be persistent in testing the state of your belief and knowledge.

It has been repeatedly proven among us that upon this simple cornerstone a wonderfully effective spiritual structure can be built. [Big Book page 47, line 19]"

Coming in, I scoffed at the idea that I needed spiritual kindergarten., I grew up knowing my Higher Power. And yet, my life was not working. It had become unmanageable.

  (We have made)....clear three pertinent ideas:

(a) That we were alcoholic (or whatever) and could not manage our own lives.
(b) That probably no human power could have relieved our alcoholism.
(c) That God could and would if He were sought. [Big Book page 60, line 15]

He has come to all who have honestly sought Him. When we drew near to Him He disclosed Himself to us! [Big Book page 57, line 8]

I have to say, that though I knew Him, coming in, He has disclosed Himself to me in such a greater way upon my seeking Him in this simple and honest way. 

New Ideas

It's been a couple few years since I've had a drink.

However, I'm just now realizing that though I've stayed sober, I'm only now becoming sober.  Meaning that sobriety entails more than just abstaining from drink.  It's interesting that I began this blog only a few months back with the desire to apply the steps in multiple areas of my life and with the intent of sharing that I find the steps applicable for most everything in life.

I think I secretly believed that I had grasped the steps fully and was ready to impart wisdom.  That was foolishness.

I am working two programs now.  Really working them.  I have a sponsor, I'm doing homework and readings,I'm going to meetings.  It's amazing.  I'm taking no one's inventory but my own.  And what has already been revealed through this process is huge.  But I'm on a quest for mental health.  I'm humbly asking God to restore me to sanity.  And so this new year, I want to be willing, honest and open enough to discover what God has in store for me - His will.

“We reevaluate our old ideas so we can become acquainted with the new ideas that lead to a new way of life.”

Basic Text, p. 94

Letters of the Scattered Brotherhood puts it this way,"The questioning, the self-examination, is not a fretful conscience nor a stricken,anxious tidying of the mind. It should be rather a simple question, 'Have I this day realized who I am,where I am going, how much I walk alone, how much I walk not alone? How much have I listened? How much have I realized?...Can I hold my soul within my soul? Can I be awake to the divine whisper or am I sound asleep? Am I strong, built on a foundation of silence?...What is my journey?...Simple exercises are good for this time,...Trusting is part of your role; trust in peace, merriment and confidence.  Wear garments of joy without fearful anticipations...."


I want to know where I'm going, what my journey is.  And so, I'm returning to the simple.  As though new.  Because I am made new continually.  

Brandee's Thoughts

I could do more for others than I do. Easily. But I'll be honest: for the most part, I don't feel convicted that I need to do more. I say "for the most part" because I've felt led, lately, to sponsor a child; I'm hoping that's in my family's near future.

Words like "extreme" and "radical" scare me, when it comes to the Great Commission, or living out the Gospel, in general. I'm not interested in speaking out against those more zealous than I (provided they are truly helping--not harming--others), but I'm not interested in joining them, either.

I am where I am, and I hear the wordless whisperings of God. I feel His palms pressing against the walls of my heart. I've got Him; He's got me; and no one's quitting anybody. We've places to go, together: the Lord and I. And we're not in a particular hurry.

Having said that, I'd like to share with you some things I've found possible over the past five or so years:

• E-mailing or writing words of encouragement or prayer from my desk, at work. I did try to be considerate toward my employer and use "break time" for this. Sometimes I was asked to relieve someone at the front desk or in the library, and I felt comfortable e-mailing or writing, then, too.
• Praying for others while caring for a baby in the middle of the night, or driving. This practice goes a long way toward helping me remain calm and avoid frustration.
• Praying with others over the phone. This felt awkward, at first, but it's ministry I can pull off at home, in my penguin pajamas.
• Writing prayers for others, from home (again, often in my pjs), on paper and via e-mail, facebook, and the comment boxes on blogs. I try not to write: "I'll pray for you," preferring, instead, to write out prayers.
• Preparing and delivering meals to others. I'm not going to lie: this has intimidated, here and there, with the little ones. But, honestly? I’ve watched God hush and lull my babies so I could accomplish His purposes. The great thing about this ministry is that I can take the children with me.
• Preparing and providing unleavened bread for the Lord’s supper, at my church.
• Visiting adult homes. I've tried four different ones, with the children. My favorite--and the one to which I return, over and over--is very small (6 residents, currently) and very clean. My babies minister as much or more to the residents as I.
• Taking our friends from the adult home on field trips. One friend is extremely agile and can go most anywhere with the children and me. I need helpers to take the others but very rarely have a hard time finding them.
• Making hospital and home visits. I've done this very infrequently since the babies have been born, but there've been times that I've known the Lord was calling me to go. I'm blessed to have a husband who will do anything he can to support me on these occasions. Generally, he waits in the minivan with the children while I visit.
• Spending time and/or praying in person with those who need a friend and don’t mind sharing my company with my children.
• Making my home available for Bible studies.
• Teaching (classes, conferences) and singing within the church, if childcare is available. You'll notice from the list above: for the most part, I avoid ministry that requires me to leave my children behind. Having said that, I think it's healthy for the children and me to take little breaks from one another, sometimes!
• Sharing my faith in person and over the Internet.

As I review the above list, I guess what excites me most is that I can tell you, honestly: I used to say things like: "I've lost myself," or, "I can't find myself." And I don't say those things, anymore, because I don't feel that way, anymore. It's been in giving myself away that I've found myself.

And, please: hear me! I'm no saint! I've done and said things, in my lifetime, that repulse me in the remembering. I'm a self-centered, selfish person! 

In fact (and this is my favorite, dirty little secret), I am absolutely self-centered and selfish enough to give, in part, because the more I give, the more I get. And I'm not talking about from the people to whom I give. I'm talking about from He who has His nail-scarred palms pressed against the walls of my heart.

Brandee blogs at Smooth Stones