Let Go and Let God

Here is a direct quote from a conversation I had a few nights ago with my husband

"Let's be humble--you."

It was me who said it. Challenged him.  Let myself off the hook.  He just laughed.  And then I had to, too.  I was asking for humility.  Was I offering it?

Am I humble at all?  There are times I kid myself that I am.  But right there's the problem.  If you think you've got it, you don't.   And as I've been struggling through all this- the seeing myself and others rightly from God's eyes-I'm coming to realize that what masks itself as humility in my life may be something else.  A hidden insecurity.  Even a self-degradation that ought not to be there.

Where others are loud, I'm quiet.  Where others speak up, I silence myself.

I've been hurt by the loud.  And I've willingly given my voice away because I've thought that made me somehow better.  I took what I thought was the high road but I've laid low and I've been walked on.

But still, this is addiction to self.  Because it's self-preservation at it's finest.  It's cowering because I'm lacking trust.

I can't change people.  But I can change myself.  I can believe what God tells me.  That I am loved.  That I have a voice.  That I'm okay.  I am neither too much nor too little.  I have sin but I am saved.

There are those who are more comfortable on one or the other end of the spectrum.  Those who think too highly of themselves and those who think too little.

I just, unfortunately, have known many who think too high.  Who can't come down to where the rest of us live.  And so I've judged and I've recoiled.  And not understanding it, I've taken it on.  I've listened to lies.

Someone told me recently that those who are stuck, lofty have decided that it's too uncomfortable to let go of the illusions and the fantasies of grandiose.  They don't want to go where Jesus went.

I asked her if that was mental illness and she responded with, "We're all subject to mental illness.  But if you let the Holy Spirit in, it doesn't have to go there."  She continued on with, "You and I have both been through our times of feeling like we were crazy."

I laughed and said, "Yeah, my time was this morning."

But that's the point.  I can go crazy with all these conflicting thoughts about who I am or I can just give it over to God and say I trust that I am who You say I am.  That you gave me a sound mind.

Source: flickr.com via Nicole on Pinterest

And in this, I can let go and let God.