Restore us to sanity

So, I worked 'the steps' many years ago.  Got my life together. Grew in my relationship with God.  Thought I was daily working the steps.  Yup, me and God were cool.

And then....

Then about a month ago, things in my life went haywire.  And I came to a place where I realized my life had become unmanageable. Because though I no longer (by the grace of God) desire to drink in order to solve or hush my problems, I do use other coping mechanisms.  I deny. I repress. I water seeds of bitterness.  And so my inner life, I find unmanageable.

And I've needed to come back to the steps.  I've said before that the steps apply to everything.  It is said in the program that steps one through three can be summed up in the saying, "I can't. God can.  I think I'll let Him."

Nicole Vaughn is doing a series on her blog on the names of God. Today she covered Adonia.  She says,


"When Abram answered God and said "O Lord GOD" he was saying "O Adonia GOD". The word Adonia means Lord or Master. It was at this time that Abram was submitting himself to God's Lordship. It was at this moment that he said, "I am not the boss of my life, God, You are."  

I loved this.  And it reminded me of giving our lives over to the care of God.  I have always had faith.  And yet, I have not always handed my life over to His care.  Lately, I have been meditating on the words in step two: "Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity."


It's a bit hard to admit I need at this point in my life to be restored to sanity.  But I do.  When I am just restless, irritable and discontent..this means I need restoration to sanity.

"Here are thousands of men and women, worldly indeed.  They flatly declare that since they have come to believe in a Power greater than themselves, to take a certain attitude toward that Power, and to do certain simple things, there has been a revolutionary change in their way of living and thinking.  In the face of collapse and despair, in the face of the total failure of their human resources, they found that a new power, peace, happiness, and sense of direction flowed into them. This happened soon after they wholeheartedly met a few simple requirements.  Once confused and baffled by the seeming futility of existence, they show the underlying reasons why they were making heavy going of life.  Leaving aside the drink question, they tell why living was so unsatisfactory.  They show how the change came over them.  When many hundreds of people are able to say that the consciousness of the Presence of God is today the most important fact of their lives, they present a powerful reason why one should have faith." - from "We Agnostics" in AA Big Book.

Expect Miracles

Step one again, this time around replacing the word,'alcohol' with 'others'.

Hi, I'm Nicole and I'm an alcoholic.
I'm Nicole and I'm a codependant.
I'm Nicole and I need to be reminded every day that unless I allow God to be my higher power, I will find a higher power that lacks.

And so....

I'm admitting that I'm powerless over others.

Phew.

That should be a relief, right?  Sometimes it doesn't feel like such and so I come back here, and I talk to others who share my struggles and I remember that it is a relief.

And I'm in need of these steps, broken now.  And I'm in need of the spiritual awakening to come.

"Come and bring your thoughts where they can be held true, so that you can realize how you are held, supported, sustained and protected. This is your safety-your thought,and that thought is the realization of the presence of God here and now,within you, in the life you are living......Hold your gains, hold your spiritual self together, bring all that you know to this one point,and then the 'wonders will appear'.... "

-Letters of the Scattered Brotherhood

Admitting

Words maybe more than ever mark their significance in my life. Their healing power, their destructive power, the need for, the lack which can scar.

And I need to be here, working these steps. Admitting I'm powerless. Admitting I'm addicted to any number of things, but that it's only God who can restore me to sanity.


And in the tumult which is my current life state I remember that 'This,too,shall pass.'

One way or another it will.  I don't know the outcome.  I can only control my own actions, my own words.
I am powerless over other people.

I listen now for God's will to be revealed in my life, for the promises to be fulfilled.  And it's hard right now.  But I know where to go.  And I know that secrets kill, so I admit.  I admit that I am powerless.  That I'm reworking my steps.  I keep coming back.