The Spirit or the flesh

I'm going to go ahead and write here today.  Even though I've been up in the air. But what I want to talk about - and what I'm learning - applies mostly to what I've learned through twelve step work.  So, yeah, I'm here.

I am learning to detach with love.  This is not an easy concept for me. I usually want to amputate.  For protection.

There are a couple of people in my life, who, try as I might to avoid it, just seem to be able to get under my skin. By their words or lack of words, their facial expressions, just the air around them.  Apparently, I'm so enmeshed with these people that I pick up on their vibes in a heart beat.  And if those vibes aren't good, I can have a crappy day because of it. Can we say, codependent?

Essentially, I'm confessing here that this is a problem. I admit I don't possess the answers quite yet on how not to do it, how not to pick up the cards. I just realize that I shouldn't be doing it. I want to rise above.

This morning, I was reading Romans 8.  It begins with,"Consequently, there is now no condemnation for those  who are in Christ Jesus."  It occurred to me that often my reactions to certain people, are caused by a feeling of condemnation.  If they're being cold or dismissive, my self-esteem sinks like the Titanic.

 But who are they to make me feel this way? In Christ, I have been set free.  I am not condemned. Whether these people are upset with me or not.  Really, what they're doing is attempting to manipulate through their behavior. Invoke guilt.  Guilt that is not mine.  Romans 8 goes on to say that, "For those who are living according to the flesh are intent on the things of the flesh, but those who are living according to the spirit are intent on the things of the spirit. For the mindset of the flesh is death, but the mindset of the spirit is life and peace." (v.5-6 LEB) I have always read this as a passage on sin and worldliness.  However, this morning, I interpreted another meaning.  I am not experiencing the life and peace of the Spirit because my mindset is intent on another human being. Or even on my self.  "But you are not in the flesh but in the Spirit, if indeed the Spirit of God lives in you."(v. 9a)..."So then... we are obligated not to the flesh."(v. 12)  And finally, toward the end of Romans 8, it concludes with, "Who will bring charges against God's elect.  God is the one who justifies." (v.33)

I didn't mean to put together a Bible study there, but I found a lot of freedom in this particular chapter today.  If I am feeling condemned, or slighted, and my side of the street is clean, then what am I focusing on? The Spirit or the flesh? Who am I making my Higher Power? Who am I allowing to validate me?

"In human occasions one's idea for oneself seems very pitiful; it is up and then down again, retrogression, self-betrayal and then hope and self-discipline, attack, retreat, sloughs, backwaters, opposing tides and gigantic fears, cruel realities.


 No creative man in any endeavor escapes this sense of confusion and striving on the plane of material effort...But when he turns inward and leaves all this restfully to the serenity of deathless order he finds release and that the inner wisdom will rebuild his world out of chaos....accept no negative whatever, particularly in the darkest moment, for you have been told that you are temples, of the Holy Spirit which abideth in you and never leaves you nor forsakes you. That trust in the dark brings light, not resignation which is often a negative, for man needs to believe that 'when the enemy comes in like a flood the spirit of the Lord will lift up a a standard against him.' But believe it!  In times of anxiety turn like a child to the simple instructions, knowing that 'the Father within doeth the work' and that you can do nothing but rest in that assurance.  Be high-careless, strong in faith, a spendthrift in love, keep a valiant heart, put on your crown and be a knight indeed!


Love conquereth all things." 

- From Letters of the Scattered Brotherhood

Anonymity questions

I've been wanting to share a self-realization.  In regards, to my...hmmm..personality, I suppose. And wanting to share it here, because it's something I realized through my recovery.  But.....I'm not sure if this blog is meant to continue.  Recently, I've heard some conflicting thoughts on the tradition of anonymity.  And there is some debate over whether a blog such as mine might be breaking tradition.  Which I would never want to do.

 I so feel it's only my own anonymity that I'm breaking.  I also believe that having a personal blog requires me to share who I am.   And part of who I am is an alcoholic.  Much of who I am has been shaped by the program.  Part of who I am is a person who believes that the steps can benefit everyone - not just alcoholics.  Which is why I started this blog.  Not to promote twelve step programs but to share my own strength, experience and hope with others.  To share what has helped me.

But at the same time, since the program is so special to me and dear to my heart, I have to take the objections seriously.  Which means, I will pray about whether I should continue this blog.  Which means you may or may not hear about my latest self-realization.  At least here.

Our nature

My mind's a bit all over the place this morning.  Reading Heather's post this morning, got me thinking...

Alcoholism: is it a sickness or a sin?  Is it a disease?

Apparently people have opinions on these questions.  Strong opinions. And I get it.  I do.

Personally, I believe it to be a disease....when I contemplate how I've suffered from it.  Yet, this is not so easy when I see alcoholism manifested in others.  At that point, I find my sin nature wanting to debate the term disease.  Why can't they just stop - never mind that I couldn't. Yes.  Quite hypocritical.  I think the point is that we want to go easy on ourselves and hard on others.

Seems we all suffer from the sickness of pointing fingers. Isn't it our nature to judge, to condemn, to make calls on other's behavior rather than looking at our own?  'Smoking is a sin', we might say as we gorge ourselves on cheeseburgers.  Or the tightwad might look down on someone with a spending problem.  I think what we all have in common is the propensity to place anything other than God above God.  To worship material things, to try and alleviate our problems with substances or sex or shopping.  To not rely on God. That is a sickness.  Called sin.  Which we were all born with.

The Big Book says that resentment "destroys more alcoholics than anything else.  From it stem all forms of spiritual disease, for we have been not only mentally and physically ill, we have been spiritually sick." Isn't that the truth? My sponsor calls it dis-ease.  Whether our dis ease with life leads us to drink or to another form of addiction, I believe that we all grope for something to fill that God shaped hole.  The alcoholic just tends to stick with alcohol because it works...until it doesn't.

Dictionary.com defines the term disease as:

1. a disordered or incorrectly functioning organ, part, structure,or system of the body resulting from the effect of genetic ordevelopmental errors, infection, poisons, nutritionaldeficiency or imbalance, toxicity, or unfavorableenvironmental factors; illness; sickness; ailment.

3.

any harmful, depraved, or morbid condition, as of the mind orsociety: His fascination with executions is a disease.

4.

decomposition of a material under special circumstances: tindisease.

Well, certainly the brain functions incorrectly in the alcoholic, whether that stems from a genetic predisposition, the phenomenon of craving, or an allergy to alcohol.  I would say, too, that for the alcoholic, the consumption of alcohol causes a depraved if not morbid condition and certainly decomposition if we continue to drink.  So, for me, it's safe to say, it's a disease.  But in many ways, the whole argument could be discarded based on semantics.  

Does terminology matter if the found solution works? 

And what (or Who) is the solution?  

"Although all men have a common destiny, each individual also has to work out his personal salvation for himself...We can help one another find out the meaning of life...But in the last analysis, each is responsible for 'finding himself'. - Thomas Merton

Any lengths

I just recently started answering calls for the AA central office once a week.  Interesting stuff, I tell you.

 This morning I received a call from a seventy-one year old man who wanted to get sober....but he wanted to go somewhere 'clean'.  Meaning, to a facility with high sanitary standards.  He had apparently had a bad experience at a detox center recently, hygiene wise and is now back to drinking while trying to find a more acceptable place to.

"I have a clean fetish," he explained as I referred him to an agency which might know more than I do regarding the conditions of individual detoxes in town.  He took the number I gave him but relayed that he had called an agency once before only to be taken away from his hotel room by ambulance, leaving his car containing all his belongings which almost got towed.  Finally, I took down his number and told him I'd have someone with more knowledge call him back.

I know what I wanted to say to him.  I just didn't know if a man of that age cared what a girl of my age had to say.  Especially since it would have fallen under the category of 'hard sayings'.  I would have told him that he needed to quit being so persnickety and get to a hospital.  He could either live in what he referred to as the filth of the institution for thirty or so days and remain truly clean for the remainder of his life or he could keep making excuses and continue living in his own stink, so to speak, of alcoholism.

I found out later, he was asked if he was willing to go to any lengths.  If he was sick and tired of being sick and tired.  And he accepted those questions well.

That's what we alcoholics usually need.  To be reminded that we're not doing so great on our own.  Do we want help or not?

And I got to thinking about how we all make so many excuses for ourselves on any number of things.  We hold onto our character defects, our bad habits, our minor or secret addictions, waiting for just the right rosy circumstance to come along and save us. But we usually end up blocking ourselves from both help and the path that God wants us to take.  And for how long? How long do we waste, complaining that outside conditions aren't to our liking, while inside we rot from our own uncleanliness?

Yeah, these are hard sayings.  Hard questions.  But at a certain point, we have to be willing to ask ourselves if we're sick and tired of being sick and tired.  If we're finally ready to go to any lengths.

Third Step Prayer

The THIRD STEP Prayer
(As adjusted from the book Alcoholics Anonymous, page 63, line 14)




God, I offer myself to You -
to build with me
and to do with me as You will.

Relieve me of the bondage of self,
that I may better do Your will.

Take away my difficulties,
that victory over them
may bear witness to those I would help
of Your Power,
Your Love,
and Your Way of life.

May I do Your will always.


Amen.

Thy Will Be Done

Often I don't know what I want.  Sometimes I think I do and then realize I don't.  I'm faced with indecision frequently.  Thankfully, I know to pray that His will be done.

My sponsor has 'suggested' that I read the prayer on pages 86-87 of the big book.  I'll admit, that at first I did so with not much enthusiasm.  Today, however, when my morning just doesn't feel quite right and I realize that I've failed to read that prayer, I feel like I've stumbled upon the key.

This morning was one such morning.  I read all my devotions and my Bible verses and still did not feel calm.  I'm realizing that when God gave me the word, 'quiet' for the year, He was speaking of my mind.  I have an unquiet mind.

The pages in the big book, help quiet me down inside.  The words are not actually prayer words but rather instruction on how rightly to pray.  If paraphrased into a prayer, they might look something like this:





"Good morning, God.  Rather than making plans for the day, I am humbly asking that You would direct my thinking, separating it from all self-pity, dishonesty and self-seeking motives. Today when I face indecision, remind me to ask You for inspiration, an intuitive thought or a decision.  Then I can relax and take it easy.  Please show me throughout the day what each next step ought to be and please provide whatever I might need to take care of any problems which arise. Remind me to pause when agitated or doubtful and ask for the right thought or action.  I know that I am no longer running the show. Let my heart and mind meditate on what  Your son reminds us to pray: "Thy will be done".  Amen. 






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I Play a Part

Last night I have an issue with someone close to me.  Because I've been holding onto resentment.  Not speaking up about what bothers me.  And when I least expect it to, it erupts in sarcasm and bitterness.

I said what I meant, but I said it mean.

This morning, I read:

"When I say to myself that I am going to turn all my problems over to God, this does not give me leave to shirk my responsibilities. I have been given certain tools with which to run my life, and the free will to use them.  They include judgment, intelligence, good will and the power to reason...." p.34 One Day At A Time In Al-Anon.


I had been turning the problem over to God.  What I failed to do was responsibly deal with the problem employing the tools given me.  I could have spoken sooner.  I should have told the person how I was feeling.  Instead, I prayed, hoping either the person would come to some revelation on their own or that my feelings would magically disappear.  Obviously, neither happened.  I hate confrontation.  I really do.  But I hold stuff in so long, that inevitably it comes out in a very confrontational way.

The book continues:  "When I am desperate enough to ask for help,I will not expect it to come in the form of easy solutions.  I play a part in solving my problems, but my Higher Power will provide the guidance and the strength to take the right action."

I ignored the nudge from my Higher Power, prompting me to speak up because I was too afraid.  And now I've made things worse.  My 'ism' causes me to want to run away from my problems.  My recovery gives me the ability to deal with my problems correctly.

"I pray for the wisdom to understand my difficulties clearly and honestly, and for the strength to do something constructive about them.  I know I can count on God's help in this."

Step Two

Working on step two....again:

Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.

Gratefully, when I came in, I did believe in a Power.  I just wasn't so sure about the restoration to sanity. But doesn't that mean that my Power wasn't very powerful? Most of us are asked to write a two-sided list.  What my God is and is not.  So here is what I have so far (you get to see it before even my sponsor):

What God is:

Just

Long-suffering,

Loving,

Patient,

Kind,

Merciful,

Loyal

Holy

Present

Caring

A good listener

Faithful

What God Isn’t:

Petty

Mean

Impatient

Harsh

Critical

Condemning

Uncaring

Neglectful

So many find it difficult to believe in a power greater than themselves but why? Isn't that which made their life unmanageable greater than themselves?  Overspending, overeating, undereating, self-pity, codependency, __________(fill in the blank).  If any of us feel that there is an aspect of our life that controls us, perhaps that is our current God. 

 My own personal list of powers greater than myself:

Physical: 

Multiple sclerosis,

Any given disease

The church as a whole,

Other’s personalities,

Alcohol

Nature,

Mental:

Other’s thoughts and actions

Obsessions

Pride

Lust

Greed

Spiritual:

GOD

Which of the above can keep me from drinking, delving into pride, filling myself with needless material items, the desire to restrict my eating, etc.?

"The spiritual starter kit. All of this theology stuff can seem downright confusing. It can even appear to be a barrier in the path of sobriety. We A.A.s are fortunate in having a spiritual starter kit, so to speak, in chapter 4 of the Big Book. It is suggested as a sure fire method of coming to know a spiritual power. Here it is (we have supplied the bold style to selected characters):

Step 2.1. We found that as soon as we were able to lay aside prejudice and...[Big Book page 46, line 15]

Step 2.2. ...express even a willingness to believe in a Power greater than ourselves, we commenced to get results, even though it was impossible for any of us to fully define or comprehend that Power, which is God. [Big Book page 46, line 16]

Step 2.3. Do not let any prejudice you may have against spiritual terms deter you from honestly asking yourself what they mean to you...we had to begin somewhere, so we used our own conception, however limited it was. [Big Book page 47, line 4]

Step 2.4. ...As soon as a man can say that he does believe or is willing to believe, we emphatically assure him that he is on his way. [Big Book page 47, line 16]

In short form the kit might read: a) Set aside all prejudice (both belief and disbelief about God and religions), b) Become willing to believe, c) Study all spiritual concepts, and formulate an initial—even conditional or tentative—conception of God, and d) Be persistent in testing the state of your belief and knowledge.

It has been repeatedly proven among us that upon this simple cornerstone a wonderfully effective spiritual structure can be built. [Big Book page 47, line 19]"

Coming in, I scoffed at the idea that I needed spiritual kindergarten., I grew up knowing my Higher Power. And yet, my life was not working. It had become unmanageable.

  (We have made)....clear three pertinent ideas:

(a) That we were alcoholic (or whatever) and could not manage our own lives.
(b) That probably no human power could have relieved our alcoholism.
(c) That God could and would if He were sought. [Big Book page 60, line 15]

He has come to all who have honestly sought Him. When we drew near to Him He disclosed Himself to us! [Big Book page 57, line 8]

I have to say, that though I knew Him, coming in, He has disclosed Himself to me in such a greater way upon my seeking Him in this simple and honest way. 

Higher Power

"...correcting one's faults seemed to depend entirely on will power, directed at eliminating them.  Bad habits and compulsions cannot be conquered by determined resolutions or promising ourselves that we won't go on doing this or that....They must be replaced -with their opposites. The secret is to substitute the positive for the negative..."-One Day At A Time In Al-Anon




Twelve step programs are spiritual programs. I was 'lucky' enough that when I first stepped into the rooms, I already had a Higher Power.  Now I didn't think that He much wanted anything to do with me but I didn't doubt His existence. 


 Step one has us admit that we are powerless, two brings us to a belief in a Higher Power and step three is a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of this Higher Power.  I've seen a lot of people try the program without step two and three.  Bluntly said, it doesn't work. 


At a meeting the other night, a guy shared that because he didn't believe in God, he was simply going to try to live morally.  But our will power fails because the flesh is weak.  Look at how we refer to God in the program:"Higher Power".  Higher than us.   Power.  The One Who holds power, who is power.  One definition of power says it is, "The ability or capacity to perform or act effectively." I find great relief in this.  That I do not have the power but God does.  He can perform, or act where I cannot. Through me.  For me. 


The act on my part is the replacement.  Replacing myself as God for the true and living God.  Replacing negative tapes with positive tapes. Yet, I hold no positive thoughts without God working in and through me, telling me a new story.   


The twelve steps are simple.  And yet profound.  


And it works...if you work it.






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Quiet half hour

"Just for today I will have a quiet half hour all by myself and relax.  During this half hour, sometime, I will try to get a better perspective of my life."

-AlAnon Literature

Source: nom-nom-nom.tumblr.com via Nicole on Pinterest

Just for today

Just for today....

I am realizing how relevant and helpful this slogan is for me right now in my life.  While my life circumstances have changed and everything in my future is up in the air, I need to constantly remind myself that I only need focus on today.  Worrying about tomorrow helps nothing, neither does obsessing on the past. I have now.  And I can choose to enjoy my now or ruin my small moments by not being present.

Someone told me yesterday something like, 'the past is merely a figment of our imagination and the future, speculation and projection".  That's sort-of true.

So today, I'm present.  In the moment.

The Truth About Myself

I like to see myself as someone who knows her self.  I like to think that I'm good about taking personal inventory  and asking God to reveal my short-comings.  That I'm self-aware and self-analytic.

But the truth is that there will always be things about myself that I don't see.  So true courage means being able to ask others how they see you.  I haven't done this yet.  But I am becoming aware that my walls go up when someone states something they've observed in me which I disagree with.  My first reaction is to tell myself that they're just wrong.  They're seeing incorrectly.

But maybe, just maybe, they're able to see what I am not.  So, it doesn't hurt to get a second opinion.  Certainly it doesn't hurt to ask others if they are observing the same thing.  And always, I can ask God to reveal to me the truth about myself.

If I really want to be self-aware, I must be willing to see myself as others do.

New Ideas

It's been a couple few years since I've had a drink.

However, I'm just now realizing that though I've stayed sober, I'm only now becoming sober.  Meaning that sobriety entails more than just abstaining from drink.  It's interesting that I began this blog only a few months back with the desire to apply the steps in multiple areas of my life and with the intent of sharing that I find the steps applicable for most everything in life.

I think I secretly believed that I had grasped the steps fully and was ready to impart wisdom.  That was foolishness.

I am working two programs now.  Really working them.  I have a sponsor, I'm doing homework and readings,I'm going to meetings.  It's amazing.  I'm taking no one's inventory but my own.  And what has already been revealed through this process is huge.  But I'm on a quest for mental health.  I'm humbly asking God to restore me to sanity.  And so this new year, I want to be willing, honest and open enough to discover what God has in store for me - His will.

“We reevaluate our old ideas so we can become acquainted with the new ideas that lead to a new way of life.”

Basic Text, p. 94

Letters of the Scattered Brotherhood puts it this way,"The questioning, the self-examination, is not a fretful conscience nor a stricken,anxious tidying of the mind. It should be rather a simple question, 'Have I this day realized who I am,where I am going, how much I walk alone, how much I walk not alone? How much have I listened? How much have I realized?...Can I hold my soul within my soul? Can I be awake to the divine whisper or am I sound asleep? Am I strong, built on a foundation of silence?...What is my journey?...Simple exercises are good for this time,...Trusting is part of your role; trust in peace, merriment and confidence.  Wear garments of joy without fearful anticipations...."


I want to know where I'm going, what my journey is.  And so, I'm returning to the simple.  As though new.  Because I am made new continually.