It's about love today. Because I've been grappling with the notion. Wondering if I've known it . If I've received it outside of God. Wondering if I've even given it with God.
Because how do we love living after the fall? Is it possible? Is it even worth it?
There's happiness and then there's holiness. But if I choose the later, I better be sure I'm really choosing it. Not just swallowing pain, martyr-like, in bitter pill form.
Which comes first- the desire to eradicate self-will (only because we've finally recognized it for the destructive path it is) or the desire to be Christ like?
I think some of us want to be like Christ. Until we realize the sacrifice it takes. And then we trip. It is not an easy road, Christ's, even for the believer. Even the believer can become jaded and stumble. The flesh can assert, screaming, "That's far enough. I've had it with holiness. I want happiness." We can even throw out that dreadful word, 'deserve'.
And for the agnostic? I don't know. It's hard enough with faith.
"We could wish to be moral, we could wish to be philosophically comforted, in fact, we could will these things with all our might, but the needed power wasn't there. Our human resources, as marshalled by the will, were not sufficient; they failed utterly" -AA Chp. 4
The prodigal son came because he was starving.
The first born son seemed not to rejoice.
Are there both in each of us? Can we come starving, be fed, receive the love and then have to start anew when we trip on the change we see required of us? Can we fight the urge to demand from others justice? Can we move out of the barren resignation into true love?
We humans fear change. We want an 'easier, softer way' .
It's not easy and it's not soft, this way and yet it's a path made possible by the One.
Monday, August 29, 2011
Saturday, August 27, 2011
By His Grace
But by the grace of God.
But by His grace I am sober.
By His grace I've been given chance after chance.
By His grace I have four beautiful children.
By His grace I've been delivered of a wretched self-hatred and there within an eating disorder.
By His grace I no longer walk inside the lonely walls of depression every day.
By His grace I am grateful.
By His grace I am home and will one day be truly home.
By His grace the list goes on and on and on.
It is only by accepting His grace that I can extend it. I fall short every single day in so many ways. I get snappy and irritable with my husband and children. I harbor resentments against friends and family alike. I judge. I condescend. I view myself as better.
But by His grace, I confess. I seek sanctification. I am here.
By His grace, I am no longer under condemnation.
But by His grace I am sober.
By His grace I've been given chance after chance.
By His grace I have four beautiful children.
By His grace I've been delivered of a wretched self-hatred and there within an eating disorder.
By His grace I no longer walk inside the lonely walls of depression every day.
By His grace I am grateful.
By His grace I am home and will one day be truly home.
By His grace the list goes on and on and on.
It is only by accepting His grace that I can extend it. I fall short every single day in so many ways. I get snappy and irritable with my husband and children. I harbor resentments against friends and family alike. I judge. I condescend. I view myself as better.
But by His grace, I confess. I seek sanctification. I am here.
By His grace, I am no longer under condemnation.
Friday, August 26, 2011
Worrying about Myself
"Live and let live." I have a hard time with this. Most notably with those I live with. I want to micromanage their lives. I'm intolerant. Which means, I'm not working on my own stuff. Because I'm too busy working on their's.
I suppose if I'm honest, I can find area where I'm intolerant outside my home. Where I secretly want to micromanage the lives of even people I don't live with. Who do I think I am? God?
And then I get all bent out of shape because I let it affect me. I pick up the cards. When I shouldn't even be in the game.
Lisa Whittle talks about Owning our Stuff. Taking responsibility for our own crap. And how frustrating is when other's don't.
I have found myself guilty of five out five things Whittle says happen when we are "burdened by the desire for someone to own their stuff. I take it personally, I try to force them to own it, I judge...you get the picture. A bunch of burden I just don't need.
How about instead, I live and let live.
How bout I worry about myself for a while.
It's a daily battle, this. And it encompasses all sorts of hard honesty. And I try and I fail and I try again.
I suppose if I'm honest, I can find area where I'm intolerant outside my home. Where I secretly want to micromanage the lives of even people I don't live with. Who do I think I am? God?
And then I get all bent out of shape because I let it affect me. I pick up the cards. When I shouldn't even be in the game.
Lisa Whittle talks about Owning our Stuff. Taking responsibility for our own crap. And how frustrating is when other's don't.
I have found myself guilty of five out five things Whittle says happen when we are "burdened by the desire for someone to own their stuff. I take it personally, I try to force them to own it, I judge...you get the picture. A bunch of burden I just don't need.
How about instead, I live and let live.
How bout I worry about myself for a while.
It's a daily battle, this. And it encompasses all sorts of hard honesty. And I try and I fail and I try again.
Thursday, August 25, 2011
Truthful Love
Love first of all is truthful.
So confession: Yesterday was a difficult day for me. And also a joyous one. The kids are home again. But somewhere in there I started striving. And grasping. And, really, being a little OCD. About, God knows what. Everything, I suppose. I started making plans for my doctorate (which I'm probably not really going to go for) and drawing and messing with my camera. In an insane way. Not a good way. What was I doing?
I was grasping desperately for my own identity with the kids home. This is not easy to admit. But with them gone two weeks, and although I missed them like crazy, I also got a little squirrely, I suppose, faced with the truth that them home means a lot less free time.
And then the evening came and I realized that it had been a wonderful day. I was so happy to be tucking the kids in bed (no not just because they were going to soon be asleep), to be spending that end of day time, praying and talking and rejoicing in our day together. I realized how grateful I was that they are mine for a time.
Sarah Styles Bessey writes about calling this present time our own. And she admits to many of my own struggles.
What does this have to do with sobriety from self?
Nouwen says, "Let us examine some characteristics of love. Love first of all is truthful. In the fellowship of the weak the truth creates the unshakable base on which we feel free to move. It means primarily the full acceptance of our basic human condition...The truth of the human situation which prevents us from fictitiousness, shallowness, and stimulation."
So, I'm attempting to be truthful. In this fellowship. I'm accepting the truth of my human situation. That there will be days that are paradoxically crazy and good all at once.
And I also know now that when I'm feeling outright mental, that means there's a problem inside. A problem inside means that it's me who's ruling - not God.
I may not yet have this one all figured out. But I'm willing to give it over. To look at it. To accept God's love, to give love I need to believe in the need for honesty.
Love first of all is truthful
So confession: Yesterday was a difficult day for me. And also a joyous one. The kids are home again. But somewhere in there I started striving. And grasping. And, really, being a little OCD. About, God knows what. Everything, I suppose. I started making plans for my doctorate (which I'm probably not really going to go for) and drawing and messing with my camera. In an insane way. Not a good way. What was I doing?
I was grasping desperately for my own identity with the kids home. This is not easy to admit. But with them gone two weeks, and although I missed them like crazy, I also got a little squirrely, I suppose, faced with the truth that them home means a lot less free time.
And then the evening came and I realized that it had been a wonderful day. I was so happy to be tucking the kids in bed (no not just because they were going to soon be asleep), to be spending that end of day time, praying and talking and rejoicing in our day together. I realized how grateful I was that they are mine for a time.
Sarah Styles Bessey writes about calling this present time our own. And she admits to many of my own struggles.
What does this have to do with sobriety from self?
Nouwen says, "Let us examine some characteristics of love. Love first of all is truthful. In the fellowship of the weak the truth creates the unshakable base on which we feel free to move. It means primarily the full acceptance of our basic human condition...The truth of the human situation which prevents us from fictitiousness, shallowness, and stimulation."
So, I'm attempting to be truthful. In this fellowship. I'm accepting the truth of my human situation. That there will be days that are paradoxically crazy and good all at once.
And I also know now that when I'm feeling outright mental, that means there's a problem inside. A problem inside means that it's me who's ruling - not God.
I may not yet have this one all figured out. But I'm willing to give it over. To look at it. To accept God's love, to give love I need to believe in the need for honesty.
Love first of all is truthful
Wednesday, August 24, 2011
Defense
There has been so much loss in my life.
This, I feel but at the same time, if I'm being honest, I have been given so incredibly much, and in comparison to many, I really have not lost much that is truly important.
And still....in the face of what loss there has been, I have dealt. Meaning, I have not grieved. I have kept it in and been tough. What would it look like if I were to not just merely pretend that I have accepted but rather truly would accept.
This, I am learning: that the great cost of stoicism is hardness. Inability to embrace and feel. And it is a front which harms me and others.
There are times when I have no choice but to face these hard things I thought I had swallowed. To look loss in the face and grieve it and move on. Not to do so means I sacrifice a heart of flesh.
My "defense must come from a Higher Power" (AA).
I can not build a defense myself. Not only is it flimsy - it is false.
This, I feel but at the same time, if I'm being honest, I have been given so incredibly much, and in comparison to many, I really have not lost much that is truly important.
And still....in the face of what loss there has been, I have dealt. Meaning, I have not grieved. I have kept it in and been tough. What would it look like if I were to not just merely pretend that I have accepted but rather truly would accept.
This, I am learning: that the great cost of stoicism is hardness. Inability to embrace and feel. And it is a front which harms me and others.
There are times when I have no choice but to face these hard things I thought I had swallowed. To look loss in the face and grieve it and move on. Not to do so means I sacrifice a heart of flesh.
My "defense must come from a Higher Power" (AA).
I can not build a defense myself. Not only is it flimsy - it is false.
Tuesday, August 23, 2011
The Process
"Love is based on the mutuality of the confession of our total self to each other. This makes us free to declare not only: 'My strength is your strength' but also: 'Your pain is my pain, your weakness is my weakness, your sin is my sin'...When we are ready to throw stones- words can be as sharp as stones- someone just may have the courage to cry out: 'He who is without sin, let him throw the first stone'. - Henri Nouwen
There is grace abundant for the sinner. But how to receive that without first the acknowledgment that we need it? And if we see no need for it in ourselves, how can we freely give it?
The fourth step of the program is perhaps the scariest - 'made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves'. When you go through the steps, you get a sponsor and you write down your fourth step and share it with that sponsor. You write down everything you have a resentment about. Everything. Starting from childhood. It's like a list of all the people who have ticked you off. But then you have to look at each resentment individually and figure out what part you played in it. How you were wrong.
I did this a long time ago. I try now on a daily basis to make amends quickly and look at my part in things.
But sometimes, I miss stuff.
I've realized quite recently, that I have a major resentment in my life. It cuts deep. And I have not forgiven. And I have not accepted responsibility for my part in it. I am not free to share the details, nor do I think you would particularly like to know them, but because of my desire to be here, to share, to confess, I mention it.
And here's the thing. I have the head knowledge to know that forgiveness is needed. I have the sanity to admit to myself that I played a part. But there's a stronghold that somehow takes me back to a place of insanity when I'm confronted with it. Emotion too big for the circumstance arises and I lose my head.
"Then they outlined the spiritual answer and program of action which a hundred of them had followed successfully, Though I had been only a nominal churchman, their proposals were not, intellectually, hard to swallow. But the program of action, though entirely sensible was pretty drastic. It meant I would have to throw several lifelong conceptions out of the window. That was not easy. But the moment I made up my mind to go through with the process, I had the curious feeling that my...condition was relieved, as in fact it proved to be." - AA "More About Alcoholism"
So, 'first thing's first'. I need to make up my mind to go (again) through this process.
There is grace abundant for the sinner. But how to receive that without first the acknowledgment that we need it? And if we see no need for it in ourselves, how can we freely give it?
The fourth step of the program is perhaps the scariest - 'made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves'. When you go through the steps, you get a sponsor and you write down your fourth step and share it with that sponsor. You write down everything you have a resentment about. Everything. Starting from childhood. It's like a list of all the people who have ticked you off. But then you have to look at each resentment individually and figure out what part you played in it. How you were wrong.
I did this a long time ago. I try now on a daily basis to make amends quickly and look at my part in things.
But sometimes, I miss stuff.
I've realized quite recently, that I have a major resentment in my life. It cuts deep. And I have not forgiven. And I have not accepted responsibility for my part in it. I am not free to share the details, nor do I think you would particularly like to know them, but because of my desire to be here, to share, to confess, I mention it.
And here's the thing. I have the head knowledge to know that forgiveness is needed. I have the sanity to admit to myself that I played a part. But there's a stronghold that somehow takes me back to a place of insanity when I'm confronted with it. Emotion too big for the circumstance arises and I lose my head.
"Then they outlined the spiritual answer and program of action which a hundred of them had followed successfully, Though I had been only a nominal churchman, their proposals were not, intellectually, hard to swallow. But the program of action, though entirely sensible was pretty drastic. It meant I would have to throw several lifelong conceptions out of the window. That was not easy. But the moment I made up my mind to go through with the process, I had the curious feeling that my...condition was relieved, as in fact it proved to be." - AA "More About Alcoholism"
So, 'first thing's first'. I need to make up my mind to go (again) through this process.
Sunday, August 21, 2011
An Invitation to Share
An Open Invitation:
When this idea first came to me I was excited. Confession: I was excited in an arrogant way. After being in the program of AA for some time, I had become a little less than thrilled with people outside of the program. This may be hard to understand.
We get sober in the first place because people can no longer tolerate us and we have always drank because we can not tolerate them. We didn't know how to live life on life's terms. And so we work the steps and we get healthier and then sometimes we look at the normies we thought we'd be able to tolerate and find them still intolerable. But we've learned acceptance and we're reminded not to work other people's programs. Still...
We may find that they're as sick as we are/were but in a different way. A less obnoxious way, perhaps. A quieter way. A way that doesn't ruin their lives or the lives of others. But...
the addiction personality is still within them in one shape, form, way or another.
And then talking to my husband who swears he finds God easier in the rooms than he does in church, I got to thinking. The holiness factor may be missing in the rooms but the humility factor is often times missing in church. So what does this mean? That we all need to get closer to God. Why the steps? Because they're biblical and because they're as my husband puts it, 'God for Dummies'.
And so, honestly, I kind of came here with a secret message I wanted to 'teach'. But God, quickly showed me how much I needed to learn. And he wasn't about to let me get on any high horse.
And I started blogging about this journey - a lot. Probably more than I'll be able to in the near future as school is starting for the kids. And I got nervous about it and experienced a lot of self-doubting. But God gave me the confirmation I needed through a friend of mine who is not in the program but whose brother is. And randomly, she said to me, I think everybody needs to work their steps. I said, "Funny, you should mention that. I just started a little blog."
So, yes, I'm excited about this. But more is being revealed.
The program works because it is a fellowship. A pack. There is accountability. There are no doctors, only patients but there are friends. And meetings and groups.
The Bible says, "For where two or three come together in my name, there am I with them" - Matthew 18:20.
So, I want to invite you to share... only if you want. But I want to do this blog differently. If anyone, follower or not, has anything to say at all about the subject of sobriety from self, I want them to feel welcome to do so here. There are no rules. It's not a blog hop. You can leave your name or do it anonymously. It doesn't matter where you are currently with God. Just type up what's on your heart, send it to me at nicolewian@msn.com and I'll publish it, here. And if that doesn't appeal to you, feel free to just keep coming back because... it works if you work it.
When this idea first came to me I was excited. Confession: I was excited in an arrogant way. After being in the program of AA for some time, I had become a little less than thrilled with people outside of the program. This may be hard to understand.
We get sober in the first place because people can no longer tolerate us and we have always drank because we can not tolerate them. We didn't know how to live life on life's terms. And so we work the steps and we get healthier and then sometimes we look at the normies we thought we'd be able to tolerate and find them still intolerable. But we've learned acceptance and we're reminded not to work other people's programs. Still...
We may find that they're as sick as we are/were but in a different way. A less obnoxious way, perhaps. A quieter way. A way that doesn't ruin their lives or the lives of others. But...
the addiction personality is still within them in one shape, form, way or another.
And then talking to my husband who swears he finds God easier in the rooms than he does in church, I got to thinking. The holiness factor may be missing in the rooms but the humility factor is often times missing in church. So what does this mean? That we all need to get closer to God. Why the steps? Because they're biblical and because they're as my husband puts it, 'God for Dummies'.
And so, honestly, I kind of came here with a secret message I wanted to 'teach'. But God, quickly showed me how much I needed to learn. And he wasn't about to let me get on any high horse.
And I started blogging about this journey - a lot. Probably more than I'll be able to in the near future as school is starting for the kids. And I got nervous about it and experienced a lot of self-doubting. But God gave me the confirmation I needed through a friend of mine who is not in the program but whose brother is. And randomly, she said to me, I think everybody needs to work their steps. I said, "Funny, you should mention that. I just started a little blog."
So, yes, I'm excited about this. But more is being revealed.
The program works because it is a fellowship. A pack. There is accountability. There are no doctors, only patients but there are friends. And meetings and groups.
The Bible says, "For where two or three come together in my name, there am I with them" - Matthew 18:20.
So, I want to invite you to share... only if you want. But I want to do this blog differently. If anyone, follower or not, has anything to say at all about the subject of sobriety from self, I want them to feel welcome to do so here. There are no rules. It's not a blog hop. You can leave your name or do it anonymously. It doesn't matter where you are currently with God. Just type up what's on your heart, send it to me at nicolewian@msn.com and I'll publish it, here. And if that doesn't appeal to you, feel free to just keep coming back because... it works if you work it.
Saturday, August 20, 2011
Easy Does It
I'm not going to drink but I'm definitely getting drunk tomorrow.
Not really but I read that somewhere and I liked it. Quite truthfully though, if I were still a drinker, today would count as a trigger.
Bad news came today. Really bad news. But that's okay. Today, I don't need to drink. I just need to remember to keep giving it over to God. Asking 'why' seems appropriate right now but then again how often do we get an answer to that question?
So instead, I'll ask Him to, "Create in me a clean heart....and renew a right spirit within me." -Psalm 51:10
This word, 'right' can mean, 'fixed', or 'stable'.
So my heart needs to remain stable even in what feels like a torrent of bad news, fixed, with my eyes, on Jesus. Another way to keep my spiritual house clean.
Today, I have learned how to stay 'clean and sober' from alcohol.
I need still, sobriety from self, which can be as simple as the acknowledgement that I don't have to panic. Because if I panic, this is a sure sign that I believe I'm in control. Paradoxically, remaining peaceful means I've given it over.
So, easy does it, today.
Not really but I read that somewhere and I liked it. Quite truthfully though, if I were still a drinker, today would count as a trigger.
Bad news came today. Really bad news. But that's okay. Today, I don't need to drink. I just need to remember to keep giving it over to God. Asking 'why' seems appropriate right now but then again how often do we get an answer to that question?
So instead, I'll ask Him to, "Create in me a clean heart....and renew a right spirit within me." -Psalm 51:10
This word, 'right' can mean, 'fixed', or 'stable'.
So my heart needs to remain stable even in what feels like a torrent of bad news, fixed, with my eyes, on Jesus. Another way to keep my spiritual house clean.
Today, I have learned how to stay 'clean and sober' from alcohol.
I need still, sobriety from self, which can be as simple as the acknowledgement that I don't have to panic. Because if I panic, this is a sure sign that I believe I'm in control. Paradoxically, remaining peaceful means I've given it over.
So, easy does it, today.
Friday, August 19, 2011
Why I Confess
"Most of us have been unwilling to admit we were real (self addicts)." -AA "More About Alcoholism"
I too comfortably fall under the assumption that I am not addicted to self. I imagine myself humble. But the truth is I'm human. As such, I love self. More often than not, more than others. More than God. It is here, where I pray and meditate and write, that God is able to show me this fact. It is through the vital, developmental step of confessing my short-comings in which I am able to be changed.
Henri Nouwen in Intimacy says, 'the man who dared to trust us said: 'If my friends found out who I really am and how I really feel, they would not look at me any longer, they would spit on me and leave me alone with my hypocrisy.' This man has drastically broken through the closed circle. Somehow he has jumped far beyond the reasonable and has broken through the walls of shame. He has believed that confession is a possibility."
This can only come after a session of brutal honesty with oneself. That session can only come if you are trusting God. And it is in that honesty that the veil of what we were believing about ourselves comes down.
I like to fool myself with the notion that I'm quite independent. God is showing me how truly dependent on others I am. And ironically, I would not need to be if I were depending on Him. This wrong dependency has shown itself of late in the silly conversations and games I play with God. He has been taking me through a journey of understanding that these words I wriht are from Him and for His glory. But when self gets involved, I can find myself dependent on comments or followers. And then I get grouchy if I don't believe there are enough of either.
In Revelation 2, Jesus says to the church in Ephesus, "You have persevered and have endured hardships for my name, and have not grown weary" vs.3. So God has seen my works, and my effort and He is pleased...but...He goes on to say, "Yet I hold this against you: You have forsaken your first love" v.4. Ouch. I forsake my first love when I continue to make it about me rather than about Him. Or when I pretend it's about Him but in my heart it's about me. "Remember the height from which you have fallen!....To him who overcomes, I will give the right to eat from the tree of life" vs. 5,7.
This is why I'm here. This is why I confess. That I might not forsake my first love, that I might remember the height from which I fell and that I might share how I continue (though it is a process) to overcome.
I too comfortably fall under the assumption that I am not addicted to self. I imagine myself humble. But the truth is I'm human. As such, I love self. More often than not, more than others. More than God. It is here, where I pray and meditate and write, that God is able to show me this fact. It is through the vital, developmental step of confessing my short-comings in which I am able to be changed.
Henri Nouwen in Intimacy says, 'the man who dared to trust us said: 'If my friends found out who I really am and how I really feel, they would not look at me any longer, they would spit on me and leave me alone with my hypocrisy.' This man has drastically broken through the closed circle. Somehow he has jumped far beyond the reasonable and has broken through the walls of shame. He has believed that confession is a possibility."
This can only come after a session of brutal honesty with oneself. That session can only come if you are trusting God. And it is in that honesty that the veil of what we were believing about ourselves comes down.
I like to fool myself with the notion that I'm quite independent. God is showing me how truly dependent on others I am. And ironically, I would not need to be if I were depending on Him. This wrong dependency has shown itself of late in the silly conversations and games I play with God. He has been taking me through a journey of understanding that these words I wriht are from Him and for His glory. But when self gets involved, I can find myself dependent on comments or followers. And then I get grouchy if I don't believe there are enough of either.
In Revelation 2, Jesus says to the church in Ephesus, "You have persevered and have endured hardships for my name, and have not grown weary" vs.3. So God has seen my works, and my effort and He is pleased...but...He goes on to say, "Yet I hold this against you: You have forsaken your first love" v.4. Ouch. I forsake my first love when I continue to make it about me rather than about Him. Or when I pretend it's about Him but in my heart it's about me. "Remember the height from which you have fallen!....To him who overcomes, I will give the right to eat from the tree of life" vs. 5,7.
This is why I'm here. This is why I confess. That I might not forsake my first love, that I might remember the height from which I fell and that I might share how I continue (though it is a process) to overcome.
Thursday, August 18, 2011
Longing For the Day
"There is a solution. Almost none of us liked the self-searching, the leveling of our pride, the confession of shortcomings which the process requires for its successful consummation. But we saw that it really worked in others, and we had come to believe in the hopelessness and futility of life as we had been living it. When, therefore, we were approached by those in whom the problem had been solved, there was nothing left for us but to pick up the simple kit of spiritual tools laid at our feet. We have found much of heaven and we have been rocketed into a fourth dimension of existence of which we had not even dreamed."- AA, "There is a Solution"
I want to meet Jesus. I want to spend a day, an eternity with Jesus.
I have met Jesus. And everything changed.
And I will meet Him again, in a new way in eternity and again everything will change.
I was fortunate to be raised in a believing home. I knew Christ from a young age. I may have known Him better when I was young.
I walked with Him and talked with Him in an intimate way and saw no need for change. Until I denied Him and went my own way. Not out loud but in action. I began to drink and I fell further and further away from a place where I could experience His love. And so when I came into the program, I was blessed in that the third step was not difficult for me because I already knew Him. But I also was aware that it was this curse of alcoholism which had brought me to a greater blessing of knowing Him once again as an adult and as a true Savior. Because I now recognized that I needed one. Whereas, when I was young, He was seen as only a friend, as an adult in need, I could go to Him as God. And my life changed. It continues to change as I enter by faith into another dimension.
I knew in one way that it would. I knew that I was aiding God, by stepping into those rooms, in an act of deliverance on my behalf. And yet, I did not know that this was the moment which would catapult me into a deeper understanding of God's grace which would continue as I grew. I did not know the extent of how I would come to experience His presence.
Today, years later, I spend my days with Him or I try to. The days which I fail to, are not good days. Every day that I do, I wish was longer. Because as I choose to spend my time with Him, I can sense the change. I can sense my defenses going down, the revealing of my heart and the amazing love He has for me. And this is life changing.
And I long for the day when I see Him in person. When a day spent with Him truly is a day in eternity which will last an eternity. When I will be changed once again; given a new body, health restored and the questions I grapple with will be answered.
"The great fact is just this, and nothing less: That we have had deep and effective spiritual experiences which have revolutionized our whole attitude toward life, toward our fellows and toward God's universe. The central fact of our lives today is the absolute certainty that our Creator has entered into our hearts and lives in a way which is indeed miraculous. He has commenced to accomplish those things for us which we could never do by ourselves." AA, "There is a Solution
Linking up for Pondering with a Purpose today.
I want to meet Jesus. I want to spend a day, an eternity with Jesus.
I have met Jesus. And everything changed.
And I will meet Him again, in a new way in eternity and again everything will change.
I was fortunate to be raised in a believing home. I knew Christ from a young age. I may have known Him better when I was young.
I walked with Him and talked with Him in an intimate way and saw no need for change. Until I denied Him and went my own way. Not out loud but in action. I began to drink and I fell further and further away from a place where I could experience His love. And so when I came into the program, I was blessed in that the third step was not difficult for me because I already knew Him. But I also was aware that it was this curse of alcoholism which had brought me to a greater blessing of knowing Him once again as an adult and as a true Savior. Because I now recognized that I needed one. Whereas, when I was young, He was seen as only a friend, as an adult in need, I could go to Him as God. And my life changed. It continues to change as I enter by faith into another dimension.
I knew in one way that it would. I knew that I was aiding God, by stepping into those rooms, in an act of deliverance on my behalf. And yet, I did not know that this was the moment which would catapult me into a deeper understanding of God's grace which would continue as I grew. I did not know the extent of how I would come to experience His presence.
Today, years later, I spend my days with Him or I try to. The days which I fail to, are not good days. Every day that I do, I wish was longer. Because as I choose to spend my time with Him, I can sense the change. I can sense my defenses going down, the revealing of my heart and the amazing love He has for me. And this is life changing.
And I long for the day when I see Him in person. When a day spent with Him truly is a day in eternity which will last an eternity. When I will be changed once again; given a new body, health restored and the questions I grapple with will be answered.
"The great fact is just this, and nothing less: That we have had deep and effective spiritual experiences which have revolutionized our whole attitude toward life, toward our fellows and toward God's universe. The central fact of our lives today is the absolute certainty that our Creator has entered into our hearts and lives in a way which is indeed miraculous. He has commenced to accomplish those things for us which we could never do by ourselves." AA, "There is a Solution
Linking up for Pondering with a Purpose today.
Tuesday, August 16, 2011
Fragmented Personality
Henri Nouwen, speaking on faith, writes: "It does not create new things but it adds a new dimension to the basic realities of life. It brings our fragmented personality into a meaningful whole, unifies our divided self. It is the source of inspiration for a searching mind, the basis for a creative community and a constructive incentive for an on-going renewal of life."
I read this last night and found that this element (all important) of faith is what is so vital in the recovery process. It is the fundamental aspect which offers hope.
And self-addiction, I believe, like any addiction stems from this feeling of fragmentation. Not belonging.
The years I was using, were easily the worst years of my life. Fresh out of the awful high-school years, fresh on the tail of all that stinking illusion that we are misunderstood and different.
These are the very feelings that will cause us to isolate. When we believe that there is no use in sharing, or caring, or trying because no one understands.
We drink. Or we use. Or we binge. Or we cut.
Or what now? What do I do now that I've been delivered of all that?
I pray. I share. I try. But I will not lie and say that those feelings never come back. They do not appear as often as they used to but every once in a while they show their ugly face. And I want to retreat from everyone. And I feel fragmented.
Another reason the program works is because it involves community. Secrets disappear. Relationships are formed. And even when one has battled addiction, and is walking with God, if that addiction to self is not tamed, relationships are destroyed, secrets are born.
Yet with faith their is hope. With hope there is a solution....
I read this last night and found that this element (all important) of faith is what is so vital in the recovery process. It is the fundamental aspect which offers hope.
And self-addiction, I believe, like any addiction stems from this feeling of fragmentation. Not belonging.
The years I was using, were easily the worst years of my life. Fresh out of the awful high-school years, fresh on the tail of all that stinking illusion that we are misunderstood and different.
These are the very feelings that will cause us to isolate. When we believe that there is no use in sharing, or caring, or trying because no one understands.
We drink. Or we use. Or we binge. Or we cut.
Or what now? What do I do now that I've been delivered of all that?
I pray. I share. I try. But I will not lie and say that those feelings never come back. They do not appear as often as they used to but every once in a while they show their ugly face. And I want to retreat from everyone. And I feel fragmented.
Another reason the program works is because it involves community. Secrets disappear. Relationships are formed. And even when one has battled addiction, and is walking with God, if that addiction to self is not tamed, relationships are destroyed, secrets are born.
Yet with faith their is hope. With hope there is a solution....
Monday, August 15, 2011
Simple But Not Easy
"Belief in the power of God, plus enough willingness, honesty and humility to establish and maintain the new order of things, were the essential requirements. Simple but not easy; a price had to be paid. It meant destruction of self-centeredness. I must turn in all things to the Father of Light who presides over us all....Faith has to work twenty-four hours a day in and through us, or we perish." - "Bill's Story" -AA.
God, I am willing. Yes, there is fear, but faith is stronger. Faith is the evidence of things not seen. Lord, what You require You can accomplish. You alone are God. Not my will but Yours be done.
Sometimes I want to put a disclaimer on my words. I want to say, "If you like these words, their mine. If not, they were God's ideas." How much self-will is in that?
I am learning more and more what it means to walk in this faith which requires brutal honesty. Which requires an admittance to my natural lack of humility. Which requires me more often than not to hold my tongue until what I say is not from me but Him. His words come out better. Yes, I am learning this.
I had to do a group project for school. I'm not overly fond of group projects. I'm a bit independent. I am prideful, rather. This was the second group project with this group. This group, I particularly was not fond of. The self-proclaimed leader of the group took my words on our final paper and she chopped them to bits. She basically, created a sparknotes version of what I had written. I wanted to write her a nasty email.
But I didn't.
I waited.
And then I changed some but not all of my words back when I was asked to look over the draft. I humbly gave my suggestions. I waited some more.
And then she called me. She was having a problem with another group member. For the very reason she had almost had a problem with me.
I was diplomatic and patient on the phone. I said I'd help.
And then she said, "I knew I could call you. You seem pretty easy going."
What?!
Yes, God must have gifted me with a way with words, because easy going, I am not. For as unassertive as I may appear to be on the outside, I am as much, if not more, insistently emphatic when I rant and rave behind people's backs.
But God is taking me through lessons on tongue-holding and patience. And so when she said this, I just chuckled to myself because that was all God. Anything kind she sensed from me was God through me. Trust me, I was not before this, feeling kindly toward her. And today, I read, James 3. That is serious business.
"With the tongue we praise our Lord and Father, and with it we curse human beings, who have been made in God's likeness. Out of the same mouth come praise and cursing. My brothers and sisters, this should not be."
My pride causes me to curse someone who has been made in God's likeness. This should not be. And so, the journey to destroy self-centeredness.
God, I am willing. Yes, there is fear, but faith is stronger. Faith is the evidence of things not seen. Lord, what You require You can accomplish. You alone are God. Not my will but Yours be done.
Sometimes I want to put a disclaimer on my words. I want to say, "If you like these words, their mine. If not, they were God's ideas." How much self-will is in that?
I am learning more and more what it means to walk in this faith which requires brutal honesty. Which requires an admittance to my natural lack of humility. Which requires me more often than not to hold my tongue until what I say is not from me but Him. His words come out better. Yes, I am learning this.
I had to do a group project for school. I'm not overly fond of group projects. I'm a bit independent. I am prideful, rather. This was the second group project with this group. This group, I particularly was not fond of. The self-proclaimed leader of the group took my words on our final paper and she chopped them to bits. She basically, created a sparknotes version of what I had written. I wanted to write her a nasty email.
But I didn't.
I waited.
And then I changed some but not all of my words back when I was asked to look over the draft. I humbly gave my suggestions. I waited some more.
And then she called me. She was having a problem with another group member. For the very reason she had almost had a problem with me.
I was diplomatic and patient on the phone. I said I'd help.
And then she said, "I knew I could call you. You seem pretty easy going."
What?!
Yes, God must have gifted me with a way with words, because easy going, I am not. For as unassertive as I may appear to be on the outside, I am as much, if not more, insistently emphatic when I rant and rave behind people's backs.
But God is taking me through lessons on tongue-holding and patience. And so when she said this, I just chuckled to myself because that was all God. Anything kind she sensed from me was God through me. Trust me, I was not before this, feeling kindly toward her. And today, I read, James 3. That is serious business.
"With the tongue we praise our Lord and Father, and with it we curse human beings, who have been made in God's likeness. Out of the same mouth come praise and cursing. My brothers and sisters, this should not be."
My pride causes me to curse someone who has been made in God's likeness. This should not be. And so, the journey to destroy self-centeredness.
Sunday, August 14, 2011
Remain to Pray
This is scary; this blog.
I will relapse. That I can assure you.
By the grace of God, I will not relapse and drink but it's as certain as I am human that I will relapse in regards to my ego. Or my self will. Because I give it to Him and then take it back - daily.
I have learned to work the steps daily, an ability I developed through discipline. I have learned that to not do this would be detrimental to my program and my walk with God. I have also learned that recovery involves "...sharing experience, strength and hope." - Foreward to Third Edition AA
It is the sharing which is scary.
But from one sinner to another, one human to another, I seek, in this journey to share my struggles and my victories. I seek to diligently and humbly allow God to take my life.
And so casting away the fear because it is not of Him, I come here. Because I believe, truly, that there is so much strength to be gained, so much truth to be found and so much joy to be experienced through this process. I have found it and I feel compelled to share it.
Dear God, You, I believe have placed this on my heart. You are The message of depth and weight. Ground my ideals in You, Lord. Recreate my life according to Your will.
Yes, much, if not most, of what is here is from the book of Alcoholic's Anonymous. I share it not with the alcoholic but with anyone seeking to "re-create their lives", anyone needing more of God and less of self, anyone who has grown "restless, irritable and discontented".
"One generation will commend your works to another; they will tell of your mighty acts. They will speak of the glorious splendor of your majesty, and I will meditate on your wonderful works. They will tell of the power of your awesome works and I will proclaim your great deeds. They will celebrate your abundant goodness and joyfully sing of your righteousness. The Lord is gracious and compassionate, slow to anger and rich in love. The Lord is good to all; He has compassion on all He has made. All you have made will praise you, O Lord; your saints will extol you. They will tell of the glory of your kingdom and speak of your might so that all men may know of your mighty acts and the glorious splendor of your kingdom. Your kingdom is an everlasting kingdom, and your dominion endures through all generations. The Lord is faithful to all His promises and loving toward all He has made. The Lord upholds all who are bowed down. " Psalm 145:4-14
I will relapse. That I can assure you.
By the grace of God, I will not relapse and drink but it's as certain as I am human that I will relapse in regards to my ego. Or my self will. Because I give it to Him and then take it back - daily.
I have learned to work the steps daily, an ability I developed through discipline. I have learned that to not do this would be detrimental to my program and my walk with God. I have also learned that recovery involves "...sharing experience, strength and hope." - Foreward to Third Edition AA
It is the sharing which is scary.
But from one sinner to another, one human to another, I seek, in this journey to share my struggles and my victories. I seek to diligently and humbly allow God to take my life.
And so casting away the fear because it is not of Him, I come here. Because I believe, truly, that there is so much strength to be gained, so much truth to be found and so much joy to be experienced through this process. I have found it and I feel compelled to share it.
"Frothy emotional appeal seldom suffices. The message which can interest and hold these...people must have depth and weight. In nearly all cases, their ideals must be grounded in a power greater than themselves, if they are to re-create their lives."-"The Doctor's Opinion" Silkworth, William D.
Dear God, You, I believe have placed this on my heart. You are The message of depth and weight. Ground my ideals in You, Lord. Recreate my life according to Your will.
Yes, much, if not most, of what is here is from the book of Alcoholic's Anonymous. I share it not with the alcoholic but with anyone seeking to "re-create their lives", anyone needing more of God and less of self, anyone who has grown "restless, irritable and discontented".
"...and though perhaps he came to scoff, he may remain to pray." - "The Doctor's Opinion, Silkworth
"One generation will commend your works to another; they will tell of your mighty acts. They will speak of the glorious splendor of your majesty, and I will meditate on your wonderful works. They will tell of the power of your awesome works and I will proclaim your great deeds. They will celebrate your abundant goodness and joyfully sing of your righteousness. The Lord is gracious and compassionate, slow to anger and rich in love. The Lord is good to all; He has compassion on all He has made. All you have made will praise you, O Lord; your saints will extol you. They will tell of the glory of your kingdom and speak of your might so that all men may know of your mighty acts and the glorious splendor of your kingdom. Your kingdom is an everlasting kingdom, and your dominion endures through all generations. The Lord is faithful to all His promises and loving toward all He has made. The Lord upholds all who are bowed down. " Psalm 145:4-14
Saturday, August 13, 2011
Beginnings
Sober Saturday:
Does anyone want to get sober with me?
Sober from the intoxication of self. I'm (seriously) considering writing a book on the subject.
Couldn't the whole world utilize a twelve step program to battle their addiction with self-adoration?
You don't have to.
But I want to.
That's why I'm writing here today. Maybe, I'll keep coming back.
I created this space for the purpose of going through the steps again. This time in relation to my addiction to self. The addiction I battle daily.
You can spy on me, here. Maybe someday you'll decide to join me.
The addiction to self involves ego (edging. God. out.). I don't think I have much of a problem with this. I'm very proud of my humility.
See the problem here? I usually hide my ego well. It stays hidden from strangers for the most part, but my husband knows it well.
Ego was the topic of last nights meeting. I didn't think it related to me. Until I realized it did. Duh.
So, that's where I came up with my idea of creating this space. Or a book. Or just something for all, where we can get into the nitty gritty of how hard it is to give ourselves over to God.
How we think we have, only to realize we haven't. Not truly.
Someone said last night that he says this prayer each morning: "God, if I can't help someone today, at least help me not to hurt them."
You know, I'm a really great repenter.
I am very conscious of my need to repent often.
But... what if I just learned to hurt people less? What if I didn't hurt them with my words or my actions or my ego.
And if I prayed the above prayer in the morning, maybe I wouldn't have to repent in the evening quite as much.
I'm going to go slow. This is a lifelong process. No one graduates. We're all perpetual patients. At least while here on earth. And there's no shame. Because we're all sick. We all need healing. And God is the ultimate healer.
Today, I am sober from alcohol. Today, I want to be sober from self. I want to be hidden in Christ. I want to be anonymous. So, today, I start that journey, here.
"(This) is meant to be suggestive only. (I) realize (I) know only a little. God will constantly disclose more to you and to (me). Ask Him in your morning meditation what you can do each day for the man who is still sick. The answers will come, if your own house is in order. But obviously you cannot transmit something you haven't got. See to it that your relationship with Him is right, and great events will come to pass for you and countless others. This is the Great Fact...Abandon yourself to God...Admit your faults to Him and to your fellows. Clear away the wreckage of your past. Give freely of what you find and join (me). (I) shall be with you in the Fellowship of the Spirit, and you will surely meet some of us as you trudge the Road of Happy Destiny. May God bless you and keep you - until then."
-Fourth ed. Alcoholics Anonymous, from "A Vision for You". emphasis mine.
Does anyone want to get sober with me?
Sober from the intoxication of self. I'm (seriously) considering writing a book on the subject.
Couldn't the whole world utilize a twelve step program to battle their addiction with self-adoration?
You don't have to.
But I want to.
That's why I'm writing here today. Maybe, I'll keep coming back.
I created this space for the purpose of going through the steps again. This time in relation to my addiction to self. The addiction I battle daily.
You can spy on me, here. Maybe someday you'll decide to join me.
The addiction to self involves ego (edging. God. out.). I don't think I have much of a problem with this. I'm very proud of my humility.
See the problem here? I usually hide my ego well. It stays hidden from strangers for the most part, but my husband knows it well.
Ego was the topic of last nights meeting. I didn't think it related to me. Until I realized it did. Duh.
So, that's where I came up with my idea of creating this space. Or a book. Or just something for all, where we can get into the nitty gritty of how hard it is to give ourselves over to God.
How we think we have, only to realize we haven't. Not truly.
Someone said last night that he says this prayer each morning: "God, if I can't help someone today, at least help me not to hurt them."
You know, I'm a really great repenter.
I am very conscious of my need to repent often.
But... what if I just learned to hurt people less? What if I didn't hurt them with my words or my actions or my ego.
And if I prayed the above prayer in the morning, maybe I wouldn't have to repent in the evening quite as much.
I'm going to go slow. This is a lifelong process. No one graduates. We're all perpetual patients. At least while here on earth. And there's no shame. Because we're all sick. We all need healing. And God is the ultimate healer.
Today, I am sober from alcohol. Today, I want to be sober from self. I want to be hidden in Christ. I want to be anonymous. So, today, I start that journey, here.
"(This) is meant to be suggestive only. (I) realize (I) know only a little. God will constantly disclose more to you and to (me). Ask Him in your morning meditation what you can do each day for the man who is still sick. The answers will come, if your own house is in order. But obviously you cannot transmit something you haven't got. See to it that your relationship with Him is right, and great events will come to pass for you and countless others. This is the Great Fact...Abandon yourself to God...Admit your faults to Him and to your fellows. Clear away the wreckage of your past. Give freely of what you find and join (me). (I) shall be with you in the Fellowship of the Spirit, and you will surely meet some of us as you trudge the Road of Happy Destiny. May God bless you and keep you - until then."
-Fourth ed. Alcoholics Anonymous, from "A Vision for You". emphasis mine.
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