Why I Confess

"Most of us have been unwilling to admit we were real (self addicts)."  -AA "More About Alcoholism"


I too comfortably fall under the assumption that I am not addicted to self.  I imagine myself humble.  But the truth is I'm human.  As such, I love self.  More often than not, more than others.  More than God.  It is here, where I pray and meditate and write, that God is able to show me this fact.  It is through the vital, developmental step of confessing my short-comings in which I am able to be changed.

Henri Nouwen in Intimacy says, 'the man who dared to trust us said: 'If my friends found out who I really am and how I really feel, they would not look at me any longer, they would spit on me and leave me alone with my hypocrisy.' This man has drastically broken through the closed circle.  Somehow he has jumped far beyond the reasonable and has broken through the walls of shame.  He has believed that confession is a possibility."

This can only come after a session of brutal honesty with oneself.  That session can only come if you are trusting God.  And it is in that honesty that the veil of what we were believing about ourselves comes down.

I like to fool myself with the notion that I'm quite independent.  God is showing me how truly dependent on others I am.  And ironically, I would not need to be if I were depending on Him.  This wrong dependency has shown itself of late in the silly conversations and games I play with God.  He has been taking me through a journey of understanding that these words I wriht are from Him and for His glory.  But when self gets involved, I can find myself dependent on comments or followers.  And then I get grouchy if I don't believe there are enough of either.

In Revelation 2, Jesus says to the church in Ephesus, "You have persevered and have endured hardships for my name, and have not grown weary" vs.3.  So God has seen my works, and my effort and He is pleased...but...He goes on to say, "Yet I hold this against you: You have forsaken your first love" v.4.  Ouch.  I forsake my first love when I continue to make it about me rather than about Him.  Or when I pretend it's about Him but in my heart it's about me.  "Remember the height from which you have fallen!....To him who overcomes, I will give the right to eat from the tree of life" vs. 5,7.

This is why I'm here.  This is why I confess.  That I might not forsake my first love, that I might remember the height from which I fell and that I might share how I continue (though it is a process) to overcome.